Is anal not socially acceptable to talk about anymore?

I know I said I was gonna be treading lightly like .2 seconds ago, but this is a topic I need to talk about. That's the kind of blogger I am. I'm not afraid to tackle the tough subjects. Over the weekend I finally crossed anal off my bucket list. It was something I was a bit skeptical about at first, but am all in on now. I loved it, she loved it, everything about it was great. Unfortunately, I was in a house with about 20 other people and the news spread rather quickly. I honestly can't believe how much shit (no pun intended) I got for it. I had half my friends calling me a legend, the other half saying I was gross and refused to even let me touch them. Ummmm I'm sorry when did not gay butt sex become so frowned upon? I was under the impression every guy and like 50% of chicks have either done it or planned on doing it. "Bart the butt fucker" was pretty much what I was called the entire day yesterday. Even when I just walked by all I could hear was "There goes Bart the butt fucker". Well I guess this is my life now, sleep with one eye open everyone.

PS- I am still absolutely flabbergasted how clean a chick's asshole can be.

I'm Baaaacccccckkkk

It's been about 6 months since I last blogged for you peasants but, by popular demand I've decided to come out of retirement. Who am I to deprive the people what they want? Now if you've followed this blog before I think we all remember how I definitely didn't get fired for blogging. Having said that, I do have an entirely new job that is much more corporate so I'm definitely gonna have to tread lightly. I've got about 6 months of shit to catch up on but, better late than never I suppose. The only question is do I still have it...

30 days until I become a Millionaire

ESPN.com-2K Sports announced out of the blue this morning that not only will “MLB 2K13” be published this year for the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3, but the company’s million dollar perfect game challenge will also return, giving baseball fans the chance to live out their dream of getting rich playing video games. 
According to the press release, “MLB 2K13” will be available March 5, and Tampa Bay Rays’ ace David Price will appear on the cover.
Nearly 1 million attempts were made to win the perfect game challenge last year, with more than 1,000 perfect games recorded, before 21-year-old Christopher Gilmore finally won an eight-player tournament against the top 2K players in the world to capture the $1 million grand prize.

Hey Chris Gilmore I'm coming for that ass (that sounded gay didn't it?)! Last year I threw three perfect games out of the 1,000 that were thrown. Finished in the top 100. 80 spots away from a million dollars. I repeat, I'm coming for that ass. That's how I get my first million, I know it and so do you. I will put my heart, sweat, self-worth, and dignity into this game to win a million dollars. I WILL make a million dollars playing video games.

PS- Just hope T Boon Pickens doesn't hear about this, wouldn't want him stunting on me heavy like he did Drake...

First day back at work was excruciating

My first day back at work on the worst day ever. The day after the Super Bowl is unequivocally the worst day of all time. Factor in that it was my first day at a new job, and my first day after sleeping until 3 PM for a week and a half. I almost passed out after an hour. Yea it was good to "interact" with people and all but after an hour all I wanted to was go back to bed and fire up the xbox. Terribly long, had a headache all day and like four coffees. No more football for over 200 days, lost a million dollars on the worst no pass interference/holding (and the coin toss) call I've ever seen, new job, ten hour day after not working for a week and a half, all around longest day ever. Can't say I didn't enjoy it while it lasted though, that vacation will go down as my greatest performance of all time. Probably make an ESPN classic out of it. The Immaculate Vacation, I can see it now

Lady Goes 44 years without taking a sick day

Yahoo- Can you imagine going one year without using a sick day at your job? Now imagine not using a sick day for 44 years! Well, today Ms. Deborah Ford is retiring from the U.S. Postal Service after going 44 years without using any of her sick days.

The cutest thing is that Ms. Ford doesn’t see what all the fuss is about. According to ABC News Ford told reporters, “I was trying to do the best I could, and that just evolved into working all my scheduled days.”

She says when she was sick she would just “shake it off,” and for doctors appointments she would use vacation days.

They just don’t make ‘em like this anymore. You rarely see this kind of workplace commitment. Although, shaking it off doesn’t seem like the best method for recovery or keeping the rest of the office from getting sick, I respect the dedication.

Ford, who is 64 years old, will be retiring in her home town of Detroit from her job in payroll and timekeeping management for the city’s main post office. We congratulate her on her dedication to the US Postal Service and wish her well in retirement.

Its been a while since my last blog but I felt like I had to chip in on this story.  I'm honestly concerned for this lady. I've pretty much gotten a taste of my retirement over the last week. It's been unbelievable. I chalk it up to experience. Some might go crazy, doing nothing all day every day. Not me. Ice water in my veins. Biggest 9 days off in my life and I'm pitching a perfect game. Just doing absolutely nothing and loving it. But I've played in the big game before. I've called in sick, I've used vacation days, I've seen it all. But this lady doesn't even use her vacation days right. I mean using your them to go to the Doctor's office? So your vacation every year, for the last 44 years, is a trip to the Doctor's? How riveting! Honestly I can see the story now. Two days into retirement this lady offs herself. Book it.

This Mini-Vacation Is Ruining My life

No joke, I haven't woke up before 3:00 PM once since I've been on this mini-vaca. Just staying up til 4 am, waking up at 4 PM. I woke up yesterday, and I knew it was gonna be 4 PM but I was praying the clock would say 1. It didn't. I was legit crossing my fingers that it was only 1 PM not 4 PM. I always thought this would be the life and how I'd be if I was a millionaire, but after the last 6 days I'm seriously  reconsidering ever taking a day off from work again. I don't catch my first wind until like midnight now. How the fuck am I supposed to go back to work now?

Two quick Tinder questions

I have a couple questions for the ladies of the Tinder world. My first being whats up with the pictures of girls and their (ex?) boyfriends? Like why would you put up a picture of you snuggling with your boyfriend. You think I'm gonna like that? How about a picture of you in your Halloween costume or what you wear out on a Friday night, then I'll give you a shot. But all these chicks with pictures of them hugging and kissing their boyfriends can get outta my face. Don't waste my time bitch.
Second, what about the chicks with pictures of them with a baby? Does that mean your a mom? Like you have a kid and your showing them off on your Tinder profile? Great parenting. Don't get me wrong on this one I don't mind banging a chick with a kid, but don't flaunt it in my face. I don't need to see a baby in your lap while I'm trying to decide if I'd bang you or not. Just saying it's not helping your chances.

Lets get something straight I did NOT get fired

Everyone's been texting me "Dudeeee can't believe they fired you for that blog". Ummm did you guys not read the whole blog? I already gave my two weeks notice. In fact I gave three weeks just to be a nice guy. I had four days left, and already put in over two weeks. Once you say your giving your two weeks you've quit. Sure if you get fired in that time its not the best look, but still I made the first move. I got a new job. I told them I was out. Classic case of "I quit, WELL YOU CANT QUIT BECAUSE YOUR FIRED".

Madden '13 predicts Ravens win Super Bowl 27-24

Anyone who knows anything about me knows this much, Madden is what I'm good at. I may not read good, or spel good, but I can crush you on the sticks. Madden 13 was easily the best Madden to ever be released (Ya I say that every year) and if they say Baltimore's gonna win well then it's time to hammer Baltimore. At least hedge my bet I already made on the 49ers about ten weeks ago. This video made me sweat if it ends like this well it'll be one exciting super bowl.

PS- Do we have an over/under on how many times Ray Lewis cries yet? I say it should be 2.5 and I'd take the over.

Boy Scouts to reverse gay ban...

Boy scouts are still a real thing huh? Hey I have no problem with this whatsoever, but my real question is how do you ban a gay in the first place. Do you make them take a piss test or something? Is there a way to test for the gay? Like if I was gay and really wanted to get into the cub scouts I'd just pretend I was straight, talk about tits and ass and feet (if your into that sorta thing) and BAM infiltrate the system. I mean personally I always thought boy scouts were like all gay but I guess not.

Rise Bartman....Rise

So its been a few hours since the last blog and I think we all know why. I felt defeated. Beaten. Bane broke my back, the city of Gotham was gone, my blog was no more. Then I got a few texts of encouragement from an old buddy. Then I turned the lights back on, crushed some doritos, and a drank a coke. Maybe its the sugar rush talking but fuck giving up. Big deal I don't think I got the internship I was looking for but should I give up now? Adversity can be a great motivator, and thats all this is. A little hiccup in an otherwise long blogging career. I'm gonna blog that much harder, that much funnier, that much more. This will be a day I will not soon forget. Today I climb out of the pit, like Bruce Wayne here. Rise indeed Bartman. Rise.

I'm starting to think I didn't get the blogging job I was shooting for...

Why would I post the most depressing commercial of all time? Because fuck you I'm depressed as shit over here right now. Just read on Barstool "one of our intern finalists" and my name wasn't there. Haven't heard back from them in over a week and I'm on suicide watch for the second consecutive Monday. So if I'm depressed so are you. Watch the fucking video and cry or something just don't talk to me.

Fat Kid Reacting to a Wrestling match...need I say more?

The step back he takes right after The Rock wins at the 13 second mark makes this video. Utter disbelief. Same exact reaction I had when the pats lost. And how about the Michael Myers mask in his room. Was I the only one who thought he was talking to the mask when he said "Bridget get out. Your laughing at me and I'm getting pissed off about it". Wouldn't wanna be a Rock wrestling DVD in this kids room last night. Just getting ninja starred across the room.

Snowmobile trick gone wrong

Yea he didn't land it but whatever I can't even get off a ski lift without causing a 27 person pile up. The real story here is whats going on between this guy and his snow mobile. Because the second he falls off this thing is booking it for Mexico. He can not wait to get away from the guy riding him. Think he beats his snowmobile? Like maybe the snowmobile knew he no choice but to just fly away at like 700 MPH to get away from this dude. I mean the guy's name is Jackson Strong. You don't get a name like that for not beating your snowmobile. And the way they mob the snow mobile like its an escaped con, I'm beginning to wonder what actually goes on at these "X Games". Whats the X even stand for?

Is it okay to Crank Down at work?

So I was just on the phone with my buddy fillin him in on everything thats happened at work over the last couple weeks. We start talking and he asks me if I've ever jacked it at work. Now the answer is, unequivocally no I never have, but that doesn't mean I've never thought about it. Go to the bathroom whip out the old iPhone crank down real quick. But I never brought myself to do it. So he says he does it all the time. And I'm like ha ha you horny fuck whattaya do just go to the bathroom four times a day? He then says, "why would I go to the bathroom, I do it at my desk". I was completely baffled. I mean cranking down at work is difficult enough to rationalize when your doing it in the bathroom. But your desk? What if someone sees you? How would you even...Why wouldn't you...So many questions popped into my head I didn't know what to say. Now to end the story he tells me he's doing it the other day and he's tuggin away at his computer and he thinks he hears a car pull up. So naturally he tucks his junk away. Says the fear of getting caught put him from midnight to six in two seconds flat. Guy comes in and my buddy knows the guy...and his son who he's with. Said he started sweating heavily but survived the encounter. The craziest part is I know this won't stop him. I feel like once you've cranked it at work you'll never stop.

Rondo Tore his ACL

Ya we beat the Heat but this sucks. Pierce's reaction to this was as to be expected. This chick couldn't wait to tell him about Rondo. Clearly caught him off guard. He sounded disappointed (obviously) but still confident. They just beat the Heat without him, they'll survive. Rondo's a warrior. The guy tried to play on a torn ACL. Goes to the hospital thinking he hyper extended his knee and finds out he has every athlete's worst nightmare. You can't count the Celtics out though. Every year people do and every year come playoff time this team can pull it together. You saw the motivation they played with today againt that dickwad Ray Allen. Jason Terry has sucked lately but something about him makes me feel like, in that locker room he fits right in. A team of old vets desperate for that last ring. Ya, the loss is huge but we have Terry who's yet to play like his real self this season, and Avery Bradley defensive stud who's versatility can be used for the 1 or the 2 position (same can be said for Terry). We were a game away from the Finals last year. We had LeBron up against the ropes. I know the injury sucks and the team's gonna have to play a lot different style of offense moving forward, but I still like our chances.

PS- Is it weird that I've kinda always wanted to tear my ACL? Such a good scar, such a good story. Always wanted to know what it felt like too. Is it like a pinch and a tweak inside your knee that makes it hard to walk? Or is it excruciating and unfathomably painful? One day, one day...

PPS- I tore my meniscus about a year ago during some Thanksgiving Football (MJFL Reunion game 2011), played through it but whatevs the stories not about me.

Your end of Winter/Beginning of Spring guide to Television

So with Winter kicking our ass right now it's never to soon to take a look at what's ahead in our lives. And by our lives I mean the lives of fictional characters depicted by actors on television shows. Here's my list for the top 5 shows I'm most looking forward to in the coming Months.

5) The Walking Dead- Return Date: Sunday February 10th

Before last season you could argue I liked The Walking Dead more than any of the other shows on this list. I fuckin love this show. Having said that, some of the characters on the show are just over the top and unnecessary. There's like four characters I enjoy having on screen. Rick (obv), Darryl (still obv), Meryl, and occassionally one of the smaller characters like Karl or the asian dude. Even the old dude I can take most of the time. Its the characters like Michonne (black samurai chick) that I can't stand. She's the definition of a hardo. Like she's walking around all season with Andrea surviving by the skin of their teeth, and they accidentally stumble across a group of survivors with a legitimate place to live, and she still isn't happy. Chick just loves being pissed off for no reason, and I can't stand her. The Governor's alright but Idk how much I love the guy playing him. Haven't seen enough of him yet I guess but overall so far I think he's just strange. Collecting zombie heads, keeping his zombie daughter alive and caged up, always talking in a voice like he's telling some sort of story. I'll give him this the human death fights are a great idea, and the fact that his ugly ass is crushing Andrea gets him a few points in my book. Overall this trailer has me all sorts of excited for next season.

4) Workaholics- Return Date: Er...Two weeks ago.
Nothin funnier out there right now than Workaholics. Its like It's Always Sunny in it's prime. Just laughs on laughs. Unique comedy, tight butt holes, lil bros before big bros, all around the most relatable, hysterical show out there. The first two episodes of this season were funny, but a little below average compared to our usual standards for this show.

3) Arrested Development- Return Date: TBA, sometime this Spring.
I remember watching this show on Fox when I was a kid and even though I was pretty young I still got a few laughs a week from it. Then I found out you could watch all of it on Netflix a few months ago and I was hooked. This show got cancelled after three season's for God know's why. It won all sorts of awards including Emmy's, Screen Actor's Guild awards, and according to IGN.com is the number one funniest show of all time. If you haven't watched it yet I promise you it will be well worth it. Unbelievable cast I mean Michael Cera basically playing the same character he did in Superbad only funnier and younger. Jason Bateman who is (in my humble opinion) one of the most under rated comedic actors in Hollywood. Will Arnett who I can admit can sometimes be over the top and un funny but for this show he plays his role to absolute perfection. The old dude who plays George/Oscar is hilarious. Henry Winkler as their attorney might be my favorite part of the show. Overall this show's been off air for far too long and I can not wait for it to come back.

2) Game Of Thrones- Return Date: 3/31/13
Easily the nerdiest thing about me (and the list can be pretty long) is everything about Game of Thrones. I'm not just talking the show. I watched Season 1 and I was hooked. So I read every book that the show is based off of. Each book is like 800-1200 pages long and I read 5 of them. Squid city, I know, but I couldn't help it. This shit is entertaining to no end. Tits in almost every episode, great storyline, great acting, great writing, and oh yea shit like this...

1) Breaking Bad- Return Date: July 14th
For me this is like picking a favorite child. I love all my TV show's equally but Breaking Bad, in my opinion is on pace to be the greatest show ever made. Now that's all pending an ending worthy of this show's consistent greatness. There are 8 (I think) episodes left until Breaking Bad's series finale. This is so refreshing to see now a days. Most shows will just drag on and on because the network wants to keep ratings up or whatever (Cough, Dexter, cough, True Blood) but not this show. Over the course of 4 and a half seasons we have watched Walter White go from under achieving high school chemistry teacher, to Heisenberg; Crystal Meth King Pin, who just does not give a fuck. He's literally broken bad. He's gone full Heisenberg and I can NOT wait to see how they end this show. Who would have thought the Dad from Malcolm in the Middle would go on to become the best actor on the best TV show ever made.

Single Greatest acting scene these eyes have ever seen.

Drug-Resistant Infections is the new end of the world fad

Thestar.com- Imagine a world where knee surgery is a potentially life-threatening procedure and you will begin to understand the “apocalyptic scenario” described by Britain’s chief medical officer.

On Wednesday, Dame Sally Davies warned a U.K. parliamentary committee about the dangers of antibiotic drug resistance, a threat so dire she wants it added to Britain’s register of civil emergencies — alongside other dangers such as terrorist threats, pandemic influenza and natural disasters.

“The apocalyptic scenario is that when I need a new hip in 20 years, I’ll die of a routine infection because we’ve run out of antibiotics,” Davies said. “It’s very serious because we are not using our antibiotics effectively in countries.

 And earlier this month, the World Economic Forum included antibiotic drug resistance in its Global Risks 2013 report, calling it “arguably the greatest risk of hubris to human health.”

Dr. Margaret Chan, director-general of the World Health Organization, puts it much more starkly: “A post-antibiotic era means, in effect, an end to modern medicine as we know it. Things as common as strep throat or a child’s scratched knee could once again kill.”

So now the world is grappling with emerging diseases such as drug-resistant gonorrhea, extremely drug-resistant tuberculosis, and superbugs that cause unnecessary deaths from hospital-acquired infections.

“The most effective way of not using antibiotics is to not have the infection in the first place,” McGeer said.

It's always something. We can never just chill out for a minute. I mean didn't we just survive the 2012 apocalypse like 2 seconds ago? There's always gotta be something newer, something scarier, something more scientific. Well fuck that. How long have we been hearing Global Warming is gonna kill us all? Remember Y2K? Granted this sounds way more real and way more possible, but its kinda like the boy who cried wolf situation here. I'm just numb to all these apocalypse theories always in my face. Who know's, maybe one day the world is gonna end because of a violent medicine-resistant gonorrhea outbreak, but until then color me unimpressed.

PS- Hey "McGeer", no shit we shouldn't have gotten the infection in the first place. That's why its an infection. McGeer, more like McSquid.

Hackers take control of a Federal Website...Battle of The Internet Vs. The Government

Yahoo.com- Activists from the hacker collective known as Anonymous assumed control over the homepage of a federal judicial agency this morning.

In a manifesto left on the defaced page, the group demanded reform to the American justice system and what the activists said are threats to the free flow of information.

The lengthy essay largely mirrors previous demands from Anonymous, but this time the group also cited the recent suicide of Reddit co-founder and activist Aaron Swartz as has having "crossed a line" for their organization. Swartz was facing up to 35 years in prison on computer fraud charges.

Prosecutors said he had stolen thousands of digital scientific and academic journal articles from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology with the goal of disseminating them for free.

Anonymous says Swartz was "killed because he was forced into playing a game he could not win - a twisted and distorted perversion of justice - a game where the only winning move was not to play."

"There must be a return to proportionality of punishment with respect to actual harm caused," it reads, also mentioning recent arrests of Anonymous associates by the FBI.

If this doesn't have conspiracy written all over it I don't know what does. I'm afraid to even write anything else about it. If I say something bad about the government BAM they'll fire up some bogey fraud charges and force me in to killing myself like they did that guy. On the other hand Anonymous could probably just squish internet me. Like I'm pretty sure that guy or group or whatever Anonymous is runs the internet.  I'm a complete noob (newb?) to him and his friends. He could probably just delete any existence of me altogether. 

P.S. From the manifesto "A game where the only winning move was not to play" could not sum up the government any better. Just don't bother trying against them is the only move. Your never gonna win. 

Double PS- Whenever I picture Anonymous I just imagine the guy from V for Vendetta, thats why the pics there
Another ps- When I hear the word manifesto this is all I think about. Every time.

Lottery trying to bang people on welfare from playing the lottery.

Huffingtonpost.com -North Carolina lawmakers have drafted legislation that would ban welfare recipients and people in bankruptcy from buying lottery tickets in the state, according to several news reports.

The bill draft would punish vendors for selling lottery tickets to someone who they know is on welfare or in bankruptcy, according to ABC 11 in Raleigh. The lawmakers behind it believe it's counterproductive for the government to accept money from welfare recipients who are struggling to get by.

"We're giving them welfare to help them live, and yet by selling them a ticket, we're taking away their money that is there to provide them the barest of necessities," state House Majority Leader Rep. Paul "Skip" Stam (R), who is helping draft the bill, told ABC 11. Stam added that the lottery "is essentially a scam," the news outlet reported. Stam also said that some of the North Carolina lottery advertising is "just fraudulent,"according to the Raleigh News & Observer.

Some lottery critics claim that the lottery is a tax on the poor, the uneducated, and the elderly, who are more likely to buy lottery tickets. For example, the poorest counties in North Carolina have the highest spending per capita on lottery tickets, according to North Carolina Policy Watch (via Business Insider).

Lottery ticket buyers have almost no chance of winning the jackpot. However, lotterysales around the country have been breaking records.

Ya welfare people wah wah it's too bad, you can't buy lottery tickets anymore I feel sooooo bad for you. Shut up you weren't gonna win anyway. Thats not why I'm blogging this. I've always had a theory that there is no such thing as "winning the lottery". There are really no winners and the government just laughs all the way to the bank. This is basically the government saying I'm right. A House Leader in our government just told me the lottery is a fraudulent scam that you can't win. Like I get that I'm never going to hit the lottery. But I don't wanna hear you say it man. Then again I am a compulsive gambler and I did hear the word's "almost no chance" not no chance. I like my odds. Its official, I'm playing the lottery tomorrow and I'm gonna win.

PS- I am the worst gambler in the world, that is a fact. Never walked out of a casino with ANY money in my pockets. The most I've ever won on a scatch ticket is 50 Bucks. Oh, and over a course of two weeks I lost 13 straight bets (I wish that was a made up number) between football and basketball games. If I won the lotto I'd consider it breaking even I've lost so much. Degenerate gamblers FTW!

Seize The Day Epileptics!

See it's funny cause they have seizures, and it says seize the day. Do you think the person who made this is just extremely clever or extremely dumb? There's no way someone could be this dumb right? Unless Epi's are cool with it? Can't imagine that being the case. I'd like to see whoever made this sign tell an Epi joke to an Epi's face. Get seized up on real fast see how funny it was then. 

Dog Vs. Fence

Haha fuckin dogs. Gotta understand something about dogs. They fuckin love sticks. This guy hit the jackpot. This is the big dick stick. He goes back to the yard with that, no way he doesn't get laid. This is the equivalent to having an absolute hammer in the dog world. The strut at the 1:15 mark when he finally gets through is almost cocky. So proud of himself, tail just waggin away not a care in the world.

Ps- 40 Second mark I'm pretty sure the dog just turns into Chewbacca.

New Study: Multi Tasker's suck at Multi-Tasking

Yahoo News- People who multitask all the time may be the worst at doing two things at once, new research suggests.

The findings, based on performances and self-evaluations by about 275 undergraduate students, suggest many people multitask not out of a desire to boost productivity, but because they are easily distracted and can't focus on one activity. And those people turn out to be the worst at juggling different things, the researchers said.

"From a public safety perspective, it's a little alarming that the people who report using a cellphone while driving the most are the persons who are the worst at multitasking," said study co-author David Sanbonmatsu, a psychologist at the University of Utah.

The findings were published today (Jan. 23) in the journal PLoS One.

This is a huge find for me. I'm so anti-multiask I don't even breath while I walk. Multi tasking is for the birds. I have a hard enough time just tasking as is. You tell me to do two things at once and I practically curl up into a ball. This study actually makes perfect sense. Obviously people doing two things at once are gonna suck at it. This is what happened the last time I tried to multi task...

Dad "wins" Custody battle...

Saw this guy bragging about winning a custody battle today on a different site. I don't get it. If he won then why is the kid still there? Shouldn't he have to go to his Mom if the Dad won?

Bigfoot back in the news...Yawn

Is it just me or is Bigfoot kind of a pussy? Like screaming and shit in the middle of the woods for no reason. Okay Bigfoot, whatever dude. Just tryna walk my dog over here, relax. Don't have to go moaning and groaning and stomping your feet like an over-grown Neanderthal baby. Seriously there have been a million Bigfoot sightings stories in the world, but have you ever heard of Bigfoot ever doing anything? Seriously all he does is go viral for like a day (tops), and then goes back to doing what he does best, Being the hider in hide and go seek.

Ps- If you actually believe in Bigfoot your probably a serial killer. Only way I'd believe Bigfoot was real was if somehow we found out he was just a real tall, hairy dude who's been playing Hide and Go Seek for the last 50 years. Just run's away thinking it's his buddy from the 50's every time he sees any one at all.

Guy say's Ace in (Cyber Sex) E-mail that goes viral

Okay I know that picture is tough to see and it's not really cyber sex. In case you can't see the picture here's what is says...

"I loved our session last night...it was ace! You were very very wet! Your as sexy as anything and I love it! xxxx"

"As I do with you, sexy husband. xxxx

Kind Regards,"

I put the important stuff in bold cause I know how much you guys hate reading. This blog is not about their awful cyber sex game. There's a much bigger story happening here and its' this dude's vocabulary. It's so fucking ace I can't even stand it. I mean this story is hot as fuck right now and I know why. One word. Ace. I can't wait 'til the next time I fuck a chick, roll over and say "That was so ace...now get out". I'm gonna sound so ace when I say it. I'm just gonna say ace whenever I do anything cool from here on out. Ya, I'll probably run the word ace into the ground by the end of they day, but that's not stopping me. 

Now onto the second part of this story. As ace as that guy was by saying ace, this chick was the complete opposite of ace. So Un-Ace for a cyber sex recap e-mail. I mean "As I do with you, sexy husband". You shittin me with that? What are the odds this chick has this on auto send every time my man Ace ( I know thats not his name, but it kinda is now) E-mails her. It's time for Ace to get a real woman to have internet sex with.

KIND REGARDS,

Kid starts blog to get new job...Gets Fired from his old job. Oh wait that story's about me...

So as a lot of you reading this already know, yes it's my dream in life to be a blogger but unfortunately as of right now blogging ain't paying the bills. So as of a few days ago when I started this blog, I had a job at which I had already given my two weeks notice (got a better job). Now the operative word in that last sentence is had. I HAD a job when I started this blog. Walked into work yesterday thinking "Only 4 days left!" Nope, wrong Bartimus. The second I got in I pretty much got fired. Why you ask? What ever could someone such as myself do to lose his job? Well if your reading this then you probably saw my blog about my fake sick game. Ya my fake sick game is fire blah blah blah but posting it to Facebook knowing I'm friends with people who work there was well...the best idea I've ever had! I mean seriously I might be the smartest man alive. I don't start my new job until February 4th. Umm can you say extended vacation? You think I wanted to finish those last four days at work? Fuck no. Slowest two weeks of my life since the day I quit. So yea maybe I got fired, maybe everyone over there hates me now, but the way I look at it I just got a longer vacation. Just more time for Barstool to notice me...

PS-
If you're wondering how it went down when I walked out yesterday it was something like this...

Bernard "The Patriot Murderer" Pollard calls Bradys ninja slide bull crap

"You've got to keep them legs down," Pollard said, via Comcast SportsNet New England. "You've go to keep the legs down. We all know and understand what's going on there. And as a quarterback, when you go to slide, we're taught ... we can't do anything. When you come sliding, and your leg is up in the air trying to kick somebody, that's bullcrap."

If I could get away with killing one person in the world with no repercussions it would no doubt be Bernard Pollard. Fuck it I'd probably do it and take life in jail because I fucking HATE him. This guy has single handedly torn Brady's ACL, torn Welker's ACL, fucked Gronk's ankle up the week before the Super Bowl, and taken ten years off of Steven Ridley's life. He is the LAST person in the world to say anything anyone in the NFL does is bull crap. Sure maybe Brady didn't need to mortal combat kick Ed Reed while he slid, but he's Tom fucking Brady he can do what he wants. The guy could save the world...

So there's a mascot for burn victim's now named Flamy...

So this is the new mascot for burn victims, and his name is Flamy. I don't know who thought of this idea but they have to be fucking kidding right? Imagine if you were horribly burned and disfigured, sitting in a hospital bed in excruciating pain and this mother fucker walked in to "cheer you up". This thing would haunt my dreams until the day I died. Like what the shit is Flamy going to do to cheer a burn victim up? "Hey kids look at me, I know you were just horribly disfigured and burnt to a crisp but this mask of flames and evil smirk should make you forget all about it!" If I was the kid in this picture I'd light flamy on fire and not even think twice about it. Fuck Flamy and his stupid mask.

PS- This guy looks like a more evil version of the Heat Miser from Rudolph or which ever one of those Christmas movies he's in.

"Pro" Tennis chick just crushing her serve

Fuckin chicks man. Doesn't matter what sport it is they always end up embarrassing themselves. I mean did you see that shit? It was like she was aiming for someone in the stands. I've never played tennis in my life (besides tennis baseball which I was the Babe Ruth-Rafeal Nadal of) and I guarantee I could beat this chick. Like you have to try to hit the ball that horribly. And to top off this chicks horrible tennis game, her name is Li Na. Like Li is her first name and Na is her last. The fuck China? Seriously four letters combined for your first and last name? It's like her parents just got lazy. Thought about naming her Linda but then said fuck it Li is good enough and the Na makes it close to Linda. Li let me offer you some advice. Quit tennis, change your name, and never go out in public again.

I've officially made it...my Sister called me funny

So as most of you know me and my sister have a umm rocky(?) relationship. Most of the time anything I do or say she assumes is dumb or immature and almost never laughs at my jokes. Half the time we talk we're screaming at each other, the other half we're talking about how weird our parents are or a TV show we both like. She's kinda like Shelly from South Park. Ya she'll beat the shit outta me and I piss her off to no end but when push comes to shove she'll have my back. I think she's just mad I got the looks in the family but whatevs it is what it is. This is a gigantic step for me, this text message goes down in history as literally the nicest thing she's ever said to me. Don't get me wrong we love each other or whatever (dont think I'd ever say that to her face and if your reading this shut up your gay) but her calling me funny is quite possibly my greatest achievement in life. This video kinda sums up our relationship...

So thank you Hilary, maybe one day I can return the favor.

New Deadly Spider on the loose...hiding under toilet seats...not?

So this stories been spreading all day like wild fire. People dropping deuces in public bathrooms ending up dead because a poisonous spider was chilling under the toilet seat eatin that ass. So naturally I hold in my shit all day at work and the second I get home (just now) I go to take a shit and look under my toilet seat. No spider, no problem, I live to shit another day*. Then I do a little internet research and find out the stories fake. This story was all over my Facebook news feed today and rightfully so. If there's a spider out there smart enough to hide under toilet seats and bite that ass while your taking a shit, EVERYONE should know. I mean what better place for a poisonous spider to strike from? The toilet is a sacred and safe place. Man, woman, and child should feel protected on the toilet seat. So regardless that this stories fake, I'll be double checking my toilet seats every time I poo from here til the day I die. I aint going out like no punk bitch on the toilet seat.

*Live To Shit Another Day could be the name of your new favorite movie.

Am I a squid for trying to be a blogger?

So as I told you guys, my devoted fans, I was dying to blog all day. Its an itch I couldn't scratch being at work. I promised you guys a blog during my lunch break, and naturally I delivered. Now what I didn't expect was how my co workers were going to react. I practically got shoved into lockers and took mental wedgies all day. People calling me a nerd for trying to follow my dream, saying I'd never make it, I'm wasting my time. Well I say Fuck that and fuck them. I ain't no nerd burger, I know it, you know it, and they know it. They're jelly as fuck that I'm blogging my heart out and they're stuck in they're post college rut. I had like two fans at work today (you know who you are cause your reading this) and the rest didn't even give me a shot. Rolling they're eyes at me and shit. Well newsflash bitches. Tom Brady didn't get drafted til the 6th round. Michael Jordan got cut from his varsity team (kinda). Derek Jeter has a small dick (prob anyways). Obama's black and he's the god damn president. The fact is I fucking love my haters. Just motivating me to blog that much harder, be that much funnier, that much more controversial. Every great person needs a great moment of adversity. For me that moment was today during my lunch break. Blogging away on my lap top while laughter rang through the halls of my work. Did I doubt myself? Maybe. But I never gave up and I never will. Not til I go viral and become the greatest blogging sensation the internet has ever seen. Blogging is a game of inches my friends a game of inches...

Leonardo Dicarprio to take "break" from acting...

(Only Leo can go full retard)

Ny Daily News- Leonardo DiCaprio’s next big role will be – a man of leisure.

After working on “Django Unchained,” the upcoming “The Great Gatsby” and Martin Scorsese’s “The Wolf of Wall Street” back-to-back-to-back, the 38-year-old actor is “worn out,” he told Germany’s Bild.

“I am a bit drained,” he told the German newspaper. “I’ve done three films in two years and I’m just worn out.”

DiCaprio won’t just be lounging around -- he also intends to use his time off to focus on his other passion, environmental activism.

“I would like to improve the world a bit. I will fly around the world doing good for the environment,” he told Bild.

No way Leo stops acting. Too hot right now. Every movie he makes is the best movie of the year. Leo we're not going anywhere me, you, and Arnie Grape know it...